I haven’t met him yet

Michael Buble has a new album out and one of the cuts is called “Haven’t Met You Yet”.  That’s how I feel when I think, rarely,  that there might be somebody out there for me.  Just the last year I started thinking, hmmm, maybe it would be nice to have somebody in my life.  OK, maybe it would be nice to have somebody in my life once in a while, maybe it would be nice to have someone  just on Saturday night.  I am such a  huge major commitment-phobe.  You would think after being divorced for over fifteen years I would get over it all.  And I have, at least I think I have.  But what I have now is so cool, so great, so fulfilling I am afraid that if I have to make compromises I would lose myself again. 

When I was married we pretty much did what my ex wanted to do,  we went or did not go, according to his wants.  Now, I come and go as I please.  If I want to take a trip, I take a trip.  If I want to go dancing, by George, I go dancing.   I walk out the door when I want and I walk in when I want without any fear there will be a fight with anybody.  Though my dog can get a little put out if I’m gone for a long time but he is easily made happy with a dog treat and a belly rub. I wish men were that easy.   I have no idea how he can tell I’ve been gone too long and now that I think about it he acts this way if I go out to my car to get something.  Must have something to do with the dog treats.  

One of the relationships I had after my divorce lasted on and off for 4 years.  And he asked me to marry him.  A couple of times.  But I knew I couldn’t do that.  How can you marry somebody when that person comes over on Friday night and by Sunday night you are ready to hand them their jacket and show them the door?   He was a perfectly nice man, very evolved, laid back, very loving.  I have to use that tired old line.  It was me, not him.

I like being by myself.  I like to watch what I want to watch on TV, I like to play music I like and I love to read.  I love to read in a quiet room with no TV on, with nobody walking through it.  I could probably be a hermit.  I could see myself for days just reading and reading and reading.  I could so identify with the Twilight Zone episode that starred Burgess Meredith. ” What bomb was that, Dear?”

I like to go to bed when I’m tired, not when somebody yawns and heads up the stairs.  My ex thought when he wanted to go to bed I should have wanted to go to bed.  Sometimes I did but when I didn’t he would pout.  Save me from a man who pouts. 

I have gone from being somebody who compromised on everything to somebody who doesn’t  compromise so much.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  I don’t know but I know it’s my thing.  I like me, I like keeping my own company.  I think for the most part I am kind and caring when it comes to my family and friends.  But even there, a lot of times I will put my wants first now.  My daughters will periodically tease me and try to put a guilt trip on me that I don’t spend enough time with them.  But I just tell them they’ll have plenty of time to change my diapers when I’m really old and that usually ends that conversation.

My other observation is that a man in my life would have to complement my life,  to add something great to my life.  But what could he add that I don’t already have?  I have my family, I have a best friend that enhances my life greatly.  I have friends for just about any activity I would wish to do that also contribute wonderful  memories to my life.  Not just women but men too.  I have traveled with these men and women.  I go out to dinner, dancing, movies, theater, concerts, drinks, walks with them.  If a sense of loneliness washes over me, I have no qualms about calling up any one of them and telling them I need to be with them.

I guess there is great love, but honestly, I’m not sure I believe in that for me anymore.  Oh yes, I’ve had crushes, maybe a couple of times have almost fallen a little in love, but I laid down and those feelings passed.  Does that make me a cynic or a realist?  I know I have the capacity.  I know I loved my ex deeply.  Can you only go that deep one time in your life?

Just recently I did meet somebody who does not live in this state.  That alone appealed to me.  We emailed for several months then we made plans for him to come up.  People kept asking me if I was excited and I really wasn’t.  I was not scared, I wasn’t apprehensive.  I guess you could say I was curious.  Yes, I really was just curious.  Could I spend four days with somebody and not want to hand them their coat?

The day arrived and I picked him up from the airport.  There was no  spark of recognition, no “this is the one”  feeling.  And then all the red flags started popping up.  Oh, he drinks more than I would like a partner to drink (having divorced an alcoholic that is probably my number one hard and fast rule).  And he talked about his ex girlfriends – a lot.  Do men do that to impress you?  Do they do that so you will want them more;  thinking that if all these women had dated him, he must be desirable?  I just figure he went out with a lot of really smart women who dumped him.  Turns out I actually knew a couple of the women and I had to go with that, I think they are pretty smart women.  And not once did he tell me I was pretty or wonderful in any way.  By the time it was time for him to go, I was ready to hand him his coat at the door.  But then he sent me a couple of emails that seemed to indicate he wanted to continue this relationship.    I just didn’t answer the emails.  I’m letting this one snuff itself out.

And the other thing is before he came to town I think I was being pursued by somebody else.  Somebody I have known for years.  I think I was but I can be a little oblivious to the obvious when it comes to thinking that way.  This guy would call or email and ask me if I was doing this or that.  And if I said, yes, why there he  was.  Every time, for a couple of months.  He was very complimentary, very attentive but not in an aggressive or obvious way.  Just the two of us went dancing one night and it was fun, but that’s all it was, just dancing and a good night hug.  And there were complications with another relationship he had with somebody.  Somebody I consider a friend.  So frankly, it didn’t really occur to me that it was any more than friendship till it was probably too late and my lack of enthusiasm probably stopped him.  Around the time I started thinking it was really nice and that maybe there should be some conversations going on here.   I’ll have to think about that one some more.  No, not that this relationship really didn’t happen but how am I going to learn to read the signals men give to women?   Why don’t I have that gene makes me think I might be somebody they would want?

I will never forget that at my ten-year high school reunion three different men told me they had the biggest crushes on me when we were in high school.  I asked each of them why they never said or did anything about it and all three said they did say stuff to me or flirted with me.  I guess I just didn’t send the ball volleying back.  But I didn’t see the ball.

I think I just like the thought that I haven’t met him yet.   That maybe there is somebody out there that will stand in front of me until I realize that he is the one.  Somebody that won’t walk away, that will stay there so that I will start to pay attention.   That I will really feel a deep and wonderful love and he will feel the same way.  He will tell me I am smart and funny and pretty and he will try to dance with me in the kitchen while we are cooking.  He will make me laugh.  He will shower me with kisses and find all of my sweet spots.   He will want to do everything I want to do, he will like the same foods I like.  But he will have great things going on in his life that I will want to know about and I will want to do those things.  He will know secrets about wonderful foods and wines that he will want to share with me.  He will bring me the darkest chocolate he can find and a lovely bottle of red wine.  We will be happy just sitting in the same quiet room and reading together.  And if we look up at each other at the same time, we will just smile and go back to reading.  Or do something lovely.   That maybe there is somebody out  there that if he comes over, I will hide his coat so he can’t leave.

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One Response to “I haven’t met him yet”

  1. Sixty and Single in Seattle Says:

    That last line: I’m all goosebumps. Thank you.

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